Gearbox announces plan to publish Half-Life 2: Episode 3
Originally posted on Kuribo’s Shoes
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Last year, Gearbox Software made headlines by announcing their intention to do what many thought was impossible: Release Duke Nukem Forever. Everyone recalls the rioting in the streets over accusations that Gearbox was “playing God,” and of course there’s the now-iconic image of Randy Pitchford meeting with The Pope to discuss whether or not it was morally acceptable to raise such foul creature from the depths of Hell.
The Pope, (who is now on Twitter, what’s up with that?) consented to Gearbox’s Necromancy on the grounds that Duke Nukem Forever “couldn’t possibly be that bad,” except that he said it in Italian or German or whatever.
Now, with Duke Nukem safely back on store shelves where he belongs, Gearbox is setting the sights of their magic staffs on another long-tormented soul…and it’s one that many nonbelievers claim doesn’t even exist. A semi-sequel to a four-year-old se
mi-sequel to a seven-year-old game: Half-Life 2: Episode Three.
“At first, we weren’t sure if [original Half-Life developers] Valve would go for it,” Pitchford said in a press release given exclusively to Kuribo’s Shoes, “but when they saw the care we gave to Duke Nukem Forever, they knew handing it off to us was the right thing to do. Especially now that they have their hands full with free-to-play hat games.”
Gearbox says they won’t be completely rebuilding the game, just improving upon the work Valve has already done. They’ll be keeping all of Half-Life 2: Episode Three’s many gameplay innovations like heavily-scripted segments, health packs, and even the exciting lack of cover and the inability to look down the sights of your weapon.
“Basically, this is Half-Life 2: Episode Three as it was intended by Valve.” Pitchford’s release continued, “We aren’t making any changes…except for one. For the first time ever, we’ll be bringing in a special guest to finally give [series protagonist] Gordon Freeman a voice, and it’s someone we’re pretty excited about.”
Gaming’s most famous silent scientist will now be voiced by Jon St. John, who most people will recognize as the voice of Big The Cat, one of Sonic the Hedgehog’s stupid friends.
Gearbox intends to finally release Half-Life 2: Episode Three early next year for the Xbox 360 and Ps3, along with a PC version “if there’s time.”
Wahoo! A Gaming Icon Celebrates His 25th Anniversary
Today’s addition to the collection is a parody of the 25th anniversary of Super Mario Brothers. The joke is pretty obvious: Replace a beloved video game with a stupid one that nobody likes.
(Originally appeared on Gm3r.com: 9-15-2010)
Has it really been 25 years already? 25 years since videogaming went from being an 80s fad, like Members Only jackets, to a timeless cultural force, like Parachute Pants. 25 years since a little Japanese company called Nintendo began construction on their first money-filled swimming pool. 25 years since the release of one of the the most influential games of all time, a game that is not only important to the history of the medium, but a game that is important to the history of the entire human race.
Today we celebrate the release of what is arguably the greatest videogame of all time, not only for the hours upon hours of enjoyment it has given us, but for helping to turn videogaming into what it is today.
Today, we honor Donkey Kong Jr. Math.
Donkey Kong Jr. Math was released in 1985 for the Nintendo Entertainment System to a fair amount of hype. This wasn’t Donkey Kong’s first appearance in a videogame, nor was it Donkey Kong Jr.’s, both of whom had appeared in their own eponymous games in years prior. However, this was certainly the game that made Donkey Kong, Donkey Kong Jr., and Pink Donkey Kong Jr., household names. Despite the pedigree of its stars DK Jr. Math was seen as a departure of sorts for the series, taking the well-worn formula of previous Donkey Kong games and enhancing it to create the epitome of gaming: Monkey-based mathematics.
But let’s start from the beginning. In 1981’s Donkey Kong, the player controlled a particularly uninteresting mustachioed protagonist named “Jumpman,” who was attempting to rescue a lady (known as “Lady”) from the clutches of the titular giant ape. In the sequel, 1982’s Donkey Kong Jr., the player instead controlled Donkey Kong’s son in a clever reversal of the first game’s plot. This time, you weren’t trying to rescue a maiden from Donkey Kong, you were tasked with rescuing the ape himself from the wicked Jumpman, a character who would quickly become one of the most hated in all of gaming. However, in Donkey Kong Jr. Math, the gameplay is changed considerably. You still control DK Jr., or his friend/brother/sister, Pink DK Jr., but instead of trying to rescue anything, you’re attempting to solve a series of math problems, which are presented to you by Donkey Kong as he stands atop a great tower of some sort.
Never before had a game so exquisitely combined traditional techniques, like climbing and jumping, with such transparent educational content. While many games from the time, and even many games today, force players to commit nothing but violent acts, like stomping on turtles or stealing cars and murdering prostitutes, the goals in DK Jr. Math were, and continue to be, celebrated for taking a more righteous approach. In fact, it could be argued that even in DK Jr. Math’s 2-player mode, where players race to solve math problems, nobody loses. If one player fails to solve the problem in time, they’re still shown the correct answer, which will help them learn how to properly solve that problem, or others that are similar, in the future. For the first time in history, learning was made fun. And not just fun, but incredibly fun!
Based on its considerable academic focus, Nintendo was predictably worried about how DK Jr. Math might fare among gamers, but thankfully, history would show that they had nothing to worry about. Although Nintendo hasn’t made sales figures available to the public, a well-respected industry analyst claims that Donkey Kong Jr. Math has sold upwards of one thousand units, a staggering figure that easily makes DK Jr. Math one of the best selling games in history. Although, DK Jr. Math’s success can’t just be measured in sales. Everyone has heard the stories about all of the at-risk youth, blindly stumbling towards a life of crime and subpar intelligence, that have been saved by spending a week at Nintendo’s intensive Donkey Kong Jr. Math Training Center in Redmond, Washington.
Although DK Jr. Math’s success did wonders for Nintendo and its famous monkey mascot, the game has also been very influential in educational settings, popularizing a new style of scientific study that involves extensive use of numbers to define things like quantity and change known as “mathematics.” The game has also spawned a number of sequels and spinoffs, as well as the corresponding areas of scientific study, including Donkey Kong Jr: Calculus, Donkey Kong Jr: Trigonometry, and the controversial Donkey Kong Jr: Evolutionary Theory, which has been banned from a number of public schools in America’s bible belt.
Now, what does the future hold for Donkey Kong, Donkey Kong Jr., and math? Nintendo is planning to celebrate the milestone by releasing a commemorative Donkey Kong Jr. Math box set that includes a Wii-enhanced version of the game, allowing a player to wave their arms around like a crazy person upon getting a correct answer, a DVD of the award winning documentary, The King of Kong Jr. Math, and an exclusive beta invite to the upcoming MMO, World of Donkey Kong Jr. WarMath, in which gamers can solve math problems with other players across the world, all while gaining experience points, collecting loot, and in a fun bit of fan-service, players are also able to finally defeat Jumpman, Nintendo’s least popular creation, once and for all.
So join us in honoring gaming’s greatest son, Donkey Kong Jr. Math, as he celebrates his 25th birthday. Also, join us in the comments to discuss your favorite Donkey Kong Jr. Math memory.
Donkey Kong Jr. Math: We salute you.
As you may recall, for a few months in late 2010 and early 2011, I had the pleasure of writing for a website called Gm3r.com. Unfortunately, that name must now be prefaced by the disappointing phrase “dearly departed”, as Gm3r.com was forced to recently end its brief but glorious run.
Now, I wrote more than 50 articles for Gm3r, ranging from regular news posts to Onion-esque video game humor, and every last one of these articles was, in a word, spectacular. Well…maybe not every last one, but a lot of ‘em were, at least. This is why I’d like to announce a new Elegant Weapon feature: “The Gm3r Collection: Curated By Sam Barsanti, Featuring The Works Of Sam Barsanti”.
What this means for you, my Beloved Reader, is that you will now have the ability to relive the glory days of my illustrious Gm3r.com career as I repost some of my finer moments on this here personal blog. What this means for me, is that said finer moments will be able to live on as proof of my writing abilities. Why does this matter? Because I want to get paid to write about video games some day, and as awesome as I am, future employers may not be willing to just take my word for it.
Speaking of how awesome I am, I highly suggest you go to 4thString.com and check out Round And Round: Up Then Down, my 11+ part retrospective of the Tony Hawk series. Think the AV Club’s TV Club Classic meets…Well, Tony Hawk.
Also, keep an eye on KuribosShoes.com, the future home of the internet’s only video game humor website and shoe store.
Yup.
That’s all I got for ya,
Insert clever sign off message.
-Sam B
PS: Somebody remind me to fix that Portfolio section…since all of those links will be dead now…
*Back To The Future Quote!*
Hello!
I’m proud to announce that Gm3r.com’s digital magazine dealie has officially launched!
In it you’ll find a whole bunch of awesome stuff, including my review of Back To The Future: The Game: Episode 1: It’s About TIme!
(Some of those colons may have been incorrectly inserted by me)
And in honor of this momentous occasion, I give you a poem:
The Power of Love
My heart beats
With 1.21 jiggawatts
But you better stand back
Because these doors open vertically.
Climb on in
And I’ll switch on the hover conversion,
‘Cause where we’re going, love
We don’t need roads.
You’ll look in my eyes
And tell me to save the clocktower.
I’ll look in yours
And say that shark still looks fake.
I am your cousin Marvin.
And I have found that new sound you’ve been looking for.
It sounds like those boards don’t work on water,
(Unless you’ve got power).
So please don’t tell me to make like a tree
And get outta here.
Or that kissing me
Is like kissing your brother.
Because together we can go back
And put some money on the Cubbies,
As long as you aren’t,
you know, chicken.
So take me away;
I don’t mind.
But you better promise me,
That I’ll be back in time.
Check out the Gm3r Magazine here!
I was watching Back To The Future 2 recently, and I had another idea.
When Old Biff returns after having stolen the time machine, that universe still exists, despite the fact that he has gone back and changed history. There could be…some sort of delay before all of time and space is erased in favor of Biff’s “Hell Valley” universe, but there doesn’t seem to be any evidence supporting that fact.
As far as we know, that future where Marty gets fired and Griff gets arrested still exists, albeit now in an alternate timeline.
Which I will now explain, for those who didn’t pay attention to BTTF2.
In the 2nd movie, Doc draws Marty a chart on the chalkboard showing that when they go back and change things, it creates an alternate timeline. So let’s hammer that out and figure out how it all works, by movie.
SPOILER ALERT!
Back To The Future 1:
We begin on Timeline 1. George McFly lived his life in fear of Biff, the McFly family as a whole is pretty miserable, and Doc Brown has invented a time machine. Marty takes the time machine back to 1955, where he screws up his parents’ first meeting, thus creating Timeline 2. Marty then orchestrates Timeline 2 to fix his parents’ problems back in 1985, which he then returns to.
Back To The Future II:
Still on Timeline 2, Marty and Jennifer eventually get married and have kids, the Cubs win the World Series, a ton of Jaws movies are made, and then Marty Jr. gets arrested in 2015. Doc Brown goes back to 1985 and tells Marty about this, and then Marty goes and stops his future son from going to jail, creating Timeline 3. Old Biff steals the DeLorean and gives his 1955 self the sports almanac, creating another Timeline. Our heroes are still on #3 though, and nothing is changed (it could be argued that Old Biff’s failing health upon returning the DeLorean is due to history changing, but the world itself appears unchanged for Marty, Doc, and Jennifer). Doc takes Marty back to 1985, but unbeknownst to him, they are now on Timeline 4 due to the changes made by Old Biff. Marty and Doc figure out Biff has done, so they return to 1955, prior to the creation of any of the timelines, so they’re at 1955 1 (Though it could be argued that the mere existence of the sports almanac, and the multiple Martys, has created a new timeline, none of these factors create meaningful changes to the future, so as far as I’m concerned 1955 is still on the original timeline at this point). Marty gets the almanac, preventing the creation of Timeline 4, but then Doc Brown is sent back to 1885 where he is killed in a gunfight, thus creating Timeline 5 (it could also be argued that Timeline 5 was created when Marty stopped Biff from creating Timeline 4, but that timeline would’ve been identical to Timeline 2, essentially).
Back To The Future III
On Timeline 5, Marty goes back to 1885 to bring Doc…*ahem* back to the future, creating Timeline 6, and then the pair save a woman from falling into the ravine, creating Timeline 7. We remain on this Timeline for the remainder of the movie.
Now, I went through all of that so I could ask a few questions. When one timeline is created, are the others destroyed? I don’t recall if Doc ever says anything about this. I think he does, but we really have no proof on if they really do no longer exist. The DeLorean is a time machine, not a…dimension machine. It can only travel on the most recent Timeline, but that doesn’t mean that there are no other timelines. When Doc outlines the alternate timelines for Marty on the chalkboard, he draws a branching path from the one they began on, but he doesn’t erase the one they began on or anything, so do these timelines continue for all of those that remain in them?
I think in order to avoid paradoxes, they have to. The creation of Timeline 4 would not happen without Timeline 3 (which would create a time paradox), so I think to clean that up you have to say that the events in each alternate universe do effect the events that happen in each subsequent universe. Just because the time machine cannot travel back to Timeline 1 does not mean that it no longer exists, though it is now Alternate Universe 1.
And if this is the case, I have a tragic thought.
Let’s go back to Timeline 1. One night, Marty McFly goes to watch his friend Doc Brown test out his new time machine. Doc Brown is killed by Libyans, and Marty disappears.
Forever.
In Timeline 1, if you go to the next day after Marty goes to 1955, you are now living in a world where the McFly family is already utterly miserable, now their son has gone missing, Doc Brown is dead, and Biff is still a bigshot.
While Marty is living it up with his famous author dad in Timeline 2 (though he’s only there for one night) his actual original father in Timeline 1 has to live with the fact that he will never see his son again.
How fucked up is that?
As seen in Halo: Reach!
So What Becomes of You, My Love? -How to make The Office better-
I like The Office.
I don’t love it, but I certainly like it. We’re off to a really exciting start here, huh?
If you don’t like it, and especially if you don’t watch it, you’re probably not going to be able to follow what I’m going on about here…but read it anyway. It’s great.
Anyway, I’ve had one big problem with The Office ever since I started watching it: The show is set up like a mockumentary, with actual cameramen following the characters around, and occasionally sitting them down for solo chats and all that. The show has been going for 6 seasons, and since each season contains a christmas episode (or at least most of them do), we can assume that each season is about a year of these characters lives. So cameras have been following around the staff of the Scranton branch of Dunder Mifflin for 6 years, and none of this footage has actually been released?
In the British The Office, the documentary being filmed actually did air, and some of the characters have to deal with how they were portrayed on TV, David Brent (their Michael Scott, if you will, as played by Ricky Gervais) specifically.
So my problem with the American The Office, is that all of these people (I’m looking at you, Jim and Pam) are so willing to divulge their personal feelings and whatnot when they’re talking to the camera, despite the fact that, as a documentary, this footage will presumably be seen by someone else someday.
Thankfully for the people behind this incredibly popular and successful show, I have an idea on how to fix it.
They should acknowledge this fact in the show. Come along for the ride, and I’ll show you what I mean:
COLD OPEN
We see Michael preparing to do something stupid, possibly recreating some hot youtube meme. Off the top of my head, here’s an idea: In an attempt to prank Toby, Michael has buttered the floor of the kitchen. From the other side of the room, Michael calls Toby over. Toby gingerly walks over to Michael, failing to slip on the butter. Michael gets mad and starts yelling at him.
“Dammit, Toby! Get out of here. I hate you!”
“Oh…sorry, Michael…”
Toby walks back over to his desk, still not slipping. Michael, still angry, runs over to slam the door behind Toby, but slips on the buttered floor and falls. Maybe he slides through the table and knocks a bunch of stuff down, for extra funnys. The camera then comes over to Michael, who is still laying on the floor, unable or unwilling to get up. He looks directly at the camera.
“I can’t do this anymore! I’m sick of this!”
Then, in the shocking break in form that will win me an Emmy someday, we switch to a different camera, which pulls back, revealing a cameraman standing over an injured Michael Scott. We are no longer seeing the show through a camera that the characters are aware of. Instead of a mocumentary, we have become…a regular TV show…ABOUT a mockumentary! Therefore, the entire structure of the show has been shattered in this one moment. The audience is on the edge of their seat to see what will happen next…and the cameraman lowers his camera…revealing Ricky Gervais, as a douchey indie-filmmaker.
ROLL INTRO
Maybe they’ll even play with the intro a bit…like, say “Michael Scott” instead of Steve Carrell, etc…but anyway, then the episode starts.
EPISODE STARTS
We are not in Michael’s office, and it’s important to note here that everything about the way the show is shot must be changed now. None of this pretending it’s a documentary. No looking at the camera, or any of that. Maybe even change the coloring of it or something…just so the audience can see with one look that things are completely different. So anyway, we’re in Michael’s office and he’s talking to the Ricky Gervais character about the show/movie he’s filming. Michael is worried that he’s been made to look like an idiot for all these years, and he wants it to stop. Maybe he brings in Jim to ask him what he thinks:
“Jim, do you think I’m an idiot?”
“Is this uh…a trick question?” Jim then looks at the Ricky Gervais character with the same goofy look he gives the camera so often. So yadda yadda, Michael says he doesn’t want the Ricky Gervais character to give him any more notes on what to do. He doesn’t think that’s really how documentaries are made. Jim is confused.
“He’s been giving you notes on what to do?”
“Yeah…hasn’t everyone been getting them?”
“No. It’s a documentary, that’s not how it works.”
Jim and Michael look to the Ricky Gervais character, who pauses for a moment then starts laughing. He claims to not know what Michael is talking about. Michael then begins to explain, and we see footage to go along with it…
-Michael is sitting at his desk, wit Gervais across from him. Michael is filling out some kind of paperwork…
“God, this is harder than I thought it would be.” says Michael.
“That’s what she said.” Gervais mumbles…Michael’s eyes light up and he gets a huge grin.
“That was great! Mind if I use that?”
-Michael is in his car, driving to work, and talking to Gervais.
“Is it really safe to do this while I’m driving?”
“Oh yeah, it’s fine.”
Michael then proceeds to hit Meredith as he pulls into the parking lot.
-Michael’s condo at night, he’s in his bed sleeping. Gervais is seen next to Michael’s bed, looking at Michael’s feet, then at something on the floor. He then positions a Foreman grill exactly where he thinks Michael will step when he wakes up.
(There’d be more, but this is just what I’m coming up with now)
So then Gervais argues that he’s made Michael into the comedic genius he’s always wanted to be, and Michael starts feeling insecure about whether or not he’s actually funny, and then for a good chunk of the rest of the episode, the other characters are trying to remind him of funny things he’s done in the past (a lot of which will end up being orchestrated by Gervais), but then somebody will come up with something really funny that Michael did once, and yadda yadda yadda he’ll feel better about himself. But at some point, it will be revealed that Gervais was actually hired by Michael, because Michael thought it would be a good way to launch a comedy career. Maybe the British Office was actually a documentary that Michael had seen, and so he hired a British guy to try and make something like that for him. Then some of the characters will get mad, but by the end everyone will realize that it’s a lot more fun having the cameras around or something. The End.
BUT, every good TV episode needs a good B-plot, and here’s mine: While the rest of the office is concerned with Michael’s problems, the warehouse takes this opportunity away from the cameras to try and launch their own TV show. They want it to be a The Apprentice-type show, but for someone who wants to…work in the warehouse. So we’ll have Darryl and the other guys going around and picking up homeless people or something that they want to compete in their reality show. It’ll all be wacky and fun and all that, then at the end of the episode, after Michael has agreed to keep filming the show with Gervais, the two of them will come into the warehouse, where the warehouse guys are still filming their own reality show. Michael will ask what’s going on, and Darryl, or whomever, will say:
“We’re working, what does it look like? Now get out of here.”
End of Episode
Brilliant, right?
Also…convoluted, and not entirely baked…but still, brilliant.
EMMY, PLEASE!
BONUS FEATURES:
Oh, in case you don’t get the title of the post:
And riding the Ricky Gervais train, it looks like Karl Pilkington, that round-headed buffoon, will be traveling the world:
UPDATE:
I just realized that my great Office idea does not feature the best character in the show, Creed Bratton. I have remedied this by putting his picture at the top. Enjoy!
Million Dollar Idea: The IMDB Box
Ladies and Gentlemen,
Are you ever watching a movie, only to find yourself in a complete and utter state of stroke-inducing confusion after realizing you can’t think of the name of the actor onscreen, or where you recognize them from?
Well, you USED TO have to walk over to your computer, turn on your computer, start up your Internet Explorer 6, go over to IMDB and look it up…like a caveman! A filthy filthy caveman…living in his dark and dirty cave…selling car insurance.
BUT NOT NO LONGER! That’s right, friends, I have for you today a brilliant idea. An idea that is guaranteed to CHANGE YOUR LIFE. I’ve sold ideas worse than this to Brockway, Ogdvenille, and North Haverbrook, and it sure put them on the map! I hope you’re sitting down for this:
The Internet Move Data Box Box, or IMDB Box:
Obviously, I can’t show you a picture of it yet, since I don’t have a working prototype, but that’s why I’m appealing to you, my loyal readers…Or should I say, loyal investors. You see, an idea as brilliant as this will literally* print money, but in order to cover what will presumably be incredibly high development costs, I need capital. Lots of it.
But wait! Before you get your checkbook, allow me to impress you even further. I will now explain what the Internet Movie Data Box Box does.
Whenever you’re watching a movie, or TV show (though the TV show option won’t be available at launch, it will be coming as a free firmware update for all IMDB Box subscribers), and you want to know the name of an actor onscreen, and what else you know them from, you hit the IMDB Box button on your remote, as pictured:
The movie you’re watching will then pause, and after briefly connecting to the internet and downloading the necessary information, a box will appear around each onscreen actor’s face. The user will then point their proprietary IMDB Box Mouse (Sold Separately) or IMDB Box Omni-Directional Pointing Glove (Sold Separately) at the desired actor, and the actor’s name will then appear onscreen, along with the movie they are most known for (as determined by a yet-undeveloped mathematical algorithm of some sort). If the user still desires more information, they will then point at the “more information” link using their proprietary IMDB Box Mouse or IMDB Box Omni-Directional Pointing Glove, and the user will be taken to an online database of actors and movies, known as the Internet Movie Data Box Box Database, or the IMDBBDB. If you’re wondering exactly how this all works on the technical side, well, I’m an idea man. That stuff isn’t for me to figure out.
Now this is where you come in! I need someone to put together some mockups for me…maybe draw up a logo…It’s all gonna be pro-bono, of course, but once I start bringing in my massive profits I’ll be sure to acknowledge your help in 2 or 3 interviews. Also, like I said before, I need investors so I can make this happen. Also: a copyright lawyer. Either that or…rename my entire concept…and possibly everything else about it as well, which I’m certainly not willing to do. Oh, I also need someone to design and build all of this stuff for me. Also pro-bono.
I look forward to working with all of you.
Sam Barsanti
CEO IMDBB
*No, not literally.
The Ballad of Gargy
Back when I was a freshman at the university, the dorm room my roomate and I shared had a weirdly high ceiling with these rather large windows up in the corner. They were easily 8 feet off the ground, and at certain points in the day, the sun would be in just the right spot so that there’d be an unbearable glare on the TV (as college students, the TV was very important to us).
We tolerated it for several months, until I bought a copy of Guitar Hero 2 (with guitar controller included!) off the internet, and the two of us started paying even more attention to the TV, and thus, became even more irritated by the periodical glare interruption.
Now, the box the game had arrived in was rather large. About 3 feet long, a foot wide, and maybe 10 inches thick. It didn’t take long for one of us, let’s just say it was me, to have the bright idea of sticking the box in front of the window to block the sun. But that wasn’t quite good enough for us. You can’t stick a giant box up near the ceiling of your dorm room without looking like a crazy person, so we thought:
“Hey, having this big box up there…it’s like its watching over us. Like a gargoyle.”
We grabbed a sharpie and drew on a scary face, then taped a pair of paper cups to it for horns and thus, Gar E. Goyle, or “Gargy” to his friends, was born.
Gargy at his post
Gargy was a noble beast, and he did his job very well. Well enough in fact, that my roomate and I took quite a liking to the little fellow. One of us, again I’m going to say it was me, decided it would be funny if we created a myspace page* for him, so he could get his name out there and make some friends other than us.
Here are some highlights:
GARGY’S INTERESTS
- General: Keeping a constant vigil and taking baths with my socks on.
- Movies: Christmas with the Kranks, Maid in Manhattan, The Boxfest Club
- TV: Gilmore Girls, Professional Boxing, Anything on the Box network
- Books: Not books, box!
- Heroes: Whichever worthy soul defeats my stare.
I particularly love the answer for his favorite books. Ah, wordplay.
Gargy was also listed as 102 years old, a Scientologist, and a graduate from Harvard with a degree in, you guessed it, Boxing.
(His minor was communications).
Gargy also had the distinction of once receiving a birthday message from Bang Camaro, The Coolest Fucking Band on Earth, which read:
“Happy Birthday, you fucking monster.”
I don’t know if this was something they said all the time, or if they had actually looked at his profile and gotten the joke, but I like to think it was the latter (They are after all The Coolest Fucking Band on Earth).
Since we had to keep Gargy sitting straight up, there ended up being some sunlight the he just couldn’t block, so eventually we got another piece of cardboard and built him a son.
Here’s a picture of Gargy and his son, Gargy Jr.:
Gargy Jr., his father, and a ball of taped up construction paper and deflated balloons. I don't recall its name...
As you can see, we would often take Gargy down from his perch to hang out with us. His son, unfortunately, was thrown away when we moved out of that dorm room at the end of the year.
ERRR, I mean, he…went off to join the army? I’ll go with that.
Anyway, one of the funniest things about having Gargy up in our window was that he was pretty clearly visible from the outside. Our windows were facing the street, so if anybody were to look up at our dorm room, and as a very handsome young man I wouldn’t blame anyone for doing so, they’d see these boxes stacked up blocking the window. People probably either thought we were crazy, or just didn’t notice because they were so pre-occupied with all of the other interesting things happening at Carroll (HA!). I thought it was funny at least, and in the end that’s all that matters.
As for where Gargy is today, well…I’m not sure.
There was word that he was competing in a hot-air balloon race around the world, but I don’t think there’s much truth to that. What I do know is that he’s out there somewhere, keeping an eye on all of us and protecting us from the harmful rays of the Sun (his most hated foe, other than the garbage bin who took his son).
God bless you, Gargy.
And Gargy bless you, everyone.
"RRRAAAAWWWWRRRRRRR!" -Gargy
*I should explain. You see, “Myspace” is the social networking site all the kids used to use. See, it was like Twitter but instead of just spouting out random nonsense and/or bullshit, you would make a profile for yourself where you could make friends and spout off random nonsense/bullshit. No wait, I’m thinking of Facebook. It was like that, but your profile had to have all sorts of hideous glittery text, embedded songs, and irritating ads (Remember the one with the smileys that would go “HEYYY!” or whatever when your mouse moved over them?).
So yeah, Myspace. Look it up.
But you probably shouldn’t.
Official Unofficial Transformers Set Report
Earlier in the week, as I’m sure ALL OF YOU are aware, the third movie in a mega-hit award winning movie franchise was filming some high-octane scenes in Milwaukee, and I decided to stop by.
The movie…was Transformers 3, and here’s my official report from the set, along with unfounded theories on what is going on in the movie.
So let’s, ahem, GET TO IT!
I mean, ROLL OUT!
The scenes were filmed at Milwaukee’s art museum, a large triangularish structure with these weird wing things that can flap out. Before stumbling upon the actual filming, my reconnaissance crew (my girlfriend) and I (me), tried to see if we could uncover anything cool 30 feet away from the mass of trailers that were positioned behind the museum.
The musuem, on a far less exciting day (I assume)
We spotted a rack of clothing, presumably for some sort of “wardrobe”. It consisted of a number of similar looking suit jackets and shirts. From this we theorized that the museum would be playing some sort of winged triangularish office of some sort in the movie.
Eventually, we made it around to the front of the building where we discovered the actual filming. That’s when things got really exciting!
From what we gathered, this is how we would interpret the scene we saw being filmed.
[EXT-Weird shaped office]
SAM Witwicky and the NE W GIRL run out of the building, hurriedly. They approach a yellow Datsun with black stripes on the hood.
SAM: Quick, let’s get out of here!
GIRL: What was that thing that…TRANSFORMED and attacked us?
SAM: It’s called a Decepticon, now get in this car that looks like my car, Bumblebee, but isn’t.
GIRL: This crummy thing?
SAM: Yes, now I’ll run over and open the door for you, frustratedly, because you won’t get in the car.
SAM tries to start the car, but nothing happens. DOCTOR MCDREAMY exits the building.
SOME OTHER GIRL: Excuse me, Doctor. You need to sign this form before you go after that goofily likable young man.
MCDREAMY: Yes, of course. But I’m in a hurry!
SAM gets out of the car and opens the hood. MCDREAMY approaches.
MCDREAMY: Need some help with that? I happen to be an expert on old cars, despite my fancy appearance.
SAM: I don’t need your help, old man. We need to get to the dam before…
MCDREAMY: Before what?
SAM: It’s complicated. There’s Decepticons, and…
MCDREAMY: They’re going to convert the electrical power generated by the dam into Energon Cubes which they’ll then use to power their Space Bridge, allowing them to make contact with the dastardly Shockwave, who is still stationed on the planet Cybertron?
SAM: No, what do you think this is, some kind of…CARTOON?
SAM pauses for the audience to laugh
MCDREAMY: Well, can I come with?
SAM: Sure. That’ll make it more popular with the girlfriends. “It” being…our adventures…
MCDREAMY: I get it. I’m gonna have so much fun. This is like Bad Boys 3 or something!
ALL: Let’s…ROLL OUT!
The rag-tag group of heroes drive off in the Datsun, ready for adventure.
COMING JULY 2011
TRANSFORMERS 3:
RETURN OF REFLECTOR
